Last night was an eventful day. After waking up exhausted as hell from last night's usual drinking activities with the crew I dragged my butt outta bed and hi ho hi ho'd to work. The day dragged but I had something to look forward do. I had plans with my family. To see my niece and that was helping me survive the work day. After work finished it was off to my parent's place. I cleaned, shopped, cooked and spent time with my niece, nephew and two of my newest step nephews. After all was said and done I was dreaming of my bed.
Once I finally arrived home and laid head to pillow, my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize. So I let it go to voicemail. I turned over and in the back of my mind I just had this strange feeling that it was "Daniel". I thought to myself, what does he need now? Money? A ride? It's damn near midnight and I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Not today Satan. The phone rings again, same number. I now know it's "Daniel" I pick up and he goes on telling me this story about how he was out begging because apparently he's poor and got maced. I sat and listened and the whole time I could only think, "Weren't you free? Didn't you get placed in a hotel like 2 weeks ago? Weren't you gonna go to rehab for that crack addiction you have? Why are you calling me? Stay strong Miguel. You don't owe him shit. He broke your heart...AGAIN. Why is he talking to me about this? He needs to call someone else." He as usual tells me that I am his last hope and that he just needed a warm place to sleep. So of course I obliged and off I went from my warm bed once again to travel and pick up this boy so he can sleep at my home.
Once I find him with a paper gown on, clothes in a hospital bag, I began to tell him of the night that I realized that my feelings for him are gone. It was as if he wasn't hearing me. So I felt as though this was the time to just tell him how far I'd come. I told him that I mourned our relationship, that I went through my depression and I feel as though I am going to be ok despite his attempt to destroy me. Ok, I know that wasn't fair but I finally figured out that "Daniel" and I are on two separate paths and that he needs to go his own way and so do I.
So we get to my home and of course now the "beggar sob story" begins. He tells me about how he hasn't eaten in three days, so I gave him food. He makes a pizza and drops part of it in my stove trying to take it out without an oven mitt or nothin' Jesus! I just shook my head as I was too utterly tired to yell about my stove or the piss poor job he did cleaning it out of the cracks. He then had the audacity to ask if he was sleeping on the couch or with me. I had to ask if he was kidding because I just refused to take that question at face value. He was serious! I chuckled and said couch. Couch for now, my answer would always be couch. At long last I went to sleep and what a marvelous sleep it was despite people calling me and texting me in their drunken stupors to spill that tea.
The next morning I woke up and did some serious fighting with my bed before finally getting up and getting ready. I entered my living room to see "Daniel" snoring like he had the largest nose on the planet. I woke him and of course the rambling starts again. He's mad about his eyes, the fact that his clothes now wreak of pepper spray...blah blah blah. I'm getting focused on work. Of course a typical visit from "Daniel" isn't complete without the usual question that usually rounds out our time together. "Can I have some money for the bus?" As I felt my typical angry black woman response coming up, I had a moment of clarity. Anger takes effort. That anger would come from that place of pain that I carried along for the last 5 years. I dealt with that. I healed that. (This part gone make me look stupid and probably make you a little mad) I went into my wallet and gave him not a dollar, not $2, but $20....*jank face* I know right!? But I think in those few moments I thank God for sending me an early morning lesson. I just learned about unconditional love.
I know it seems cliche but I am going to try and break my feelings down here. I had this wave come over me where I just felt compassion. Normally when I give "Daniel" anything I expect something in return whether it be him being my emotional punching bag, or just a quick roll around in the hay but there was always something that I expected in return. After that I usually was so upset at him that I would throw him out or be completely done with him. This time was so different. I simply went into my wallet and gave it to him. I felt that if he ever needed food and shelter that he could come by and get some. That's the Christian thing to do. Despite that he would never do right by me, I know that I have to do right by him to do right by myself. That is what it means to love unconditionally. No ultimatum, no hidden agenda, just a willingness and openness to do something because I had the means to do so and because forgiveness moved me to act. If that's not unconditional love, then someone gotta fill me in.
Anyway, I dropped "Daniel" off at the local mission but before he got out of the car I said to him, "You're doing really well. you kicked your habit and you're finally off of probation. Now is your time "Daniel". And if you need a place to sleep or a meal you use part of that $20 and take the #27 bus to my house.And as I went to work, God revealed the message to me and I said ever so clearly and with a wide grin upon my face, "So that's what it means by unconditionally."
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