Unconditional Love - My Learning Experience

Last night was an eventful day. After waking up exhausted as hell from last night's usual drinking activities with the crew I dragged my butt outta bed and hi ho hi ho'd to work. The day dragged but I had something to look forward do. I had plans with my family. To see my niece and that was helping me survive the work day. After work finished it was off to my parent's place. I cleaned, shopped, cooked and spent time with my niece, nephew and two of my newest step nephews. After all was said and done I was dreaming of my bed.

Once I finally arrived home and laid head to pillow, my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize. So I let it go to voicemail. I turned over and in the back of my mind I just had this strange feeling that it was "Daniel". I thought to myself, what does he need now? Money? A ride? It's damn near midnight and I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Not today Satan. The phone rings again, same number. I now know it's "Daniel" I pick up and he goes on telling me this story about how he was out begging because apparently he's poor and got maced. I sat and listened and the whole time I could only think, "Weren't you free? Didn't you get placed in a hotel like 2 weeks ago? Weren't you gonna go to rehab for that crack addiction you have? Why are you calling me? Stay strong Miguel. You don't owe him shit. He broke your heart...AGAIN. Why is he talking to me about this? He needs to call someone else." He as usual tells me that I am his last hope and that he just needed a warm place to sleep. So of course I obliged and off I went from my warm bed once again to travel and pick up this boy so he can sleep at my home.

 Once I find him with a paper gown on, clothes in a hospital bag, I began to tell him of the night that I realized that my feelings for him are gone. It was as if he wasn't hearing me. So I felt as though this was the time to just tell him how far I'd come. I told him that I mourned our relationship, that I went through my depression and I feel as though I am going to be ok despite his attempt to destroy me. Ok, I know that wasn't fair but I finally figured out that "Daniel" and I are on two separate paths and that he needs to go his own way and so do I.

So we get to my home and of course now the "beggar sob story" begins. He tells me about how he hasn't eaten in three days, so I gave him food. He makes a pizza and drops part of it in my stove trying to take it out without an oven mitt or nothin' Jesus! I just shook my head as I was too utterly tired to yell about my stove or the piss poor job he did cleaning it out of the cracks. He then had the audacity to ask if he was sleeping on the couch or with me. I had to ask if he was kidding because I just refused to take that question at face value. He was serious! I chuckled and said couch. Couch for now, my answer would always be couch. At long last I went to sleep and what a marvelous sleep it was despite people calling me and texting me in their drunken stupors to spill that tea.

The next morning I woke up and did some serious fighting with my bed before finally getting up and getting ready. I entered my living room to see "Daniel" snoring like he had the largest nose on the planet. I woke him and of course the rambling starts again. He's mad about his eyes, the fact that his clothes now wreak of pepper spray...blah blah blah. I'm getting focused on work. Of course a typical visit from "Daniel" isn't complete without the usual question that usually rounds out our time together. "Can I have some money for the bus?" As I felt my typical angry black woman response coming up, I had a moment of clarity. Anger takes effort. That anger would come from that place of pain that I carried along for the last 5 years. I dealt with that. I healed that. (This part gone make me look stupid and probably make you a little mad) I went into my wallet and gave him not a dollar, not $2, but $20....*jank face* I know right!? But I think in those few moments I thank God for sending me an early morning lesson. I just learned about unconditional love.

I know it seems cliche but I am going to try and break my feelings down here. I had this wave come over me where I just felt compassion. Normally when I give "Daniel" anything I expect something in return whether it be him being my emotional punching bag, or just a quick roll around in the hay but there was always something that I expected in return. After that I usually was so upset at him that I would throw him out or be completely done with him. This time was so different. I simply went into my wallet and gave it to him. I felt that if he ever needed food and shelter that he could come by and get some. That's the Christian thing to do. Despite that he would never do right by me, I know that I have to do right by him to do right by myself. That is what it means to love unconditionally. No ultimatum, no hidden agenda, just a willingness and openness to do something because I had the means to do so and because forgiveness moved me to act. If that's not unconditional love, then someone gotta fill me in.

Anyway, I dropped "Daniel" off at the local mission but before he got out of the car I said to him, "You're doing really well. you kicked your habit and you're finally off of probation. Now is your time "Daniel". And if you need a place to sleep or a meal you use part of that $20 and take the #27 bus to my house.And as I went to work, God revealed the message to me and I said ever so clearly and with a wide grin upon my face, "So that's what it means by unconditionally."

An update: The "Current" Drama

Alright bloggers, I gotta explain where my life is now because my stories are all mixed up so hopefully I can organize all this.

First off, I'm still at home. (Smh) I'm looking for my own place and hope to be gone soon. My parents sure could use their own space and god knows I could to. Unfortunately based on my current salary and the economy, my apt search is slim pickings...

Anyway, I know you're dying to know about my love life right? 

"Daniel" - Prison

"Jamie" - Disassociated

"Johnny" - Still a good friend

I'm just not too comfortable with myself yet to put myself out there and date. My self image is bothering me but it's a work in progress. I'm learning about myself and losing the weight, fighting back the dark feelings though I do slip up from time to time.

"FRIENDS"

I have a new wide variety of friends and each and every one of these bitches got something wrong with them:

Jason (BFF): he's moving for the 3rd time to Texas to...hell I don't know. He's nervous and he's bipolar. He drives me nuts when he talks sometimes but there is no one else I'd rather have drive me nuts.

Martha: This is actually the first time I'm mentioning one of my two "sisters". Martha and I met on the job and she was kinda quiet and I left her to her business. Until one day my other sister (Marissa) sat me down to talk with some random girl named Martha and I've been infatuated with her ever since. She put up with me and all my craziness for years...YEARS. And I guess now it's time for me to pay my price for stressing her out for so long. Martha has 3 kids and one b.u.t.t (boyfriend utterly and totally terrible) Ill get into that scandal later.

Marisa: (Sister #2) what to say...well I also met Marisa on the job and my first impression of her was...overly opinionated party girl. Is there even such a thing? Haha. But that was Marisa and the best thing was this girl stood by her beliefs no matter what they were. But I knew she had a long way to go before he hit that maturity level. I knew she would be ok in time...until she got pregnant by her (b.u.t.t) and then he broke up with her, terrorized her, denied the baby and drove her into the arms of another woman...Drrrrraaaamaaaaa.

Ashley: This girl has so much goin for herself a strong support system (family) an excellent job but there are a few things that aren't going to well for her. One is she has a hard time being honest with herself. Two, She communicate like a shaolin monk and lastly she chose to date sister #2 while knowing she had feelings for another girl, emotionally cheated on S2 and lost ALL the friends in our circle, minus me...sort of. *major drama*

There are others but mainly one of them drags me into some sort of drama on a daily basis. I'm sure I'll be focusing most of my blog around them and how it shapes my life into the dramatic ball it's in now. And I seriously wonder why I can't have a relationship....

Story Time 3 - Ignition of Immense Passion

Summer 2006. Miguel had become completely obsessed with Daniel. He told him all about his life and has shared things with him that Miguel dared never to tell another. He saw the realest future ever in Daniel. This time though he was ready to take the next step. Miguel wanted to be "with" Daniel. He longed to share his body with him as his spirit already cradled itself in Daniel's hands.

Daniel lived with his grandmother at the time and Miguel longed to see him. Daniel longed to see him also. Miguel would take his father's car and drive to Daniel's house and just sit and talk to him. Listen to every word he said, feeling as though each word carried the weight of the world, setting Miguel's very heart on fire. But this day was different. Today, Miguel went inside the house and down into the basement also known as Daniel's bedroom. When downstairs Miguel's mind began to wonder. He wondered if he dared to choose now, this moment, this one perfect moment to change their relationship. He began to shake with anticipation, nerves rattled, stomach turned in knots as he looked at Daniel and Daniel simply smiled as he talked on about his day.

That is when Miguel said it. "I want you." Daniel only froze and looked with his usual face of awkwardness. Yet this time that face came and washed itself away. There was a look of acceptance. A look of passion. A look that Miguel had not seen in Daniel before and that was when Miguel knew that all of the scheming, all of the tears, all of the manipulation had paid off and as a result he had Daniel in his life as more than just a friend. Daniel simply replied "Let me smoke a cigarette and you can do whatever you want." Miguel was stunned and completely caught off guard but he was more than ready to give in to the passion of what was to come.

Miguel slowly undressed Daniel as he puffed his Newport. A puff, unbuttoning of the shirt. Another puff, the unbuckling of Daniel's belt. Exhale of smoke as Miguel ran his hand across Daniel's stomach, down to his crotch, concealed by his underwear. A puff, Miguel pulls down Daniel's boxer briefs and leans forward...

A moment of perfection. A union that created a love that Miguel will never forget about. Though as in most stories. Nothing is ever eternally perfect...

To be continued.

Story Time 2

The Story of Miguel and Daniel (Part 2)

Undeniable Heat 

After Miguel and Daniel said their goodbyes to one another, Miguel could only hope that they would one day be able to reconnect. But as usual, pride stood in his way and Daniel had no intention to return the feelings Miguel voiced to him.

The summer came and went and with it, life moved forward. Miguel headed to a technical college, Daniel to university. Interestingly, Miguel's life was just beginning to walk down a very lonely path. With his cousin doing his own thing and his best friend in Atlanta, Miguel was going through the motions of life. All he could do was keep a brave smile on his face so not to alarm his parents of just how miserable he was inside. Unaware that fate was determined to have it's way, Miguel ran into Daniel again in a most unlikely spot, A religious place. After 6 months of separation from one another it was as though no time had passed at all. Miguel still felt the passion and irresistible attraction that only Daniel could inspire within Miguel's body. Daniel was still himself. His feelings unchanged, unaware or perhaps uncaring about Miguel's feelings but still determined to be "just a friend."

Miguel grew desperate in his magnetic attraction to Daniel. And that loneliness inside was just enough to push Miguel into a darkness that he was quite unfamiliar with but soon learned was his greatest allies in his path to achieving his goals....Manipulation and Blackmail.

As dark a path that he was about to walk, Miguel knew that he had two things going for him. His charm and his timing for destruction. He wanted people to feel the way he felt. Misery truly loves company. Loves it even more when it's been gained through manipulation. And Daniel was first on the list for Miguel on his path of self destruction. Miguel dropped out of school and decided he had enough of the educational route. He was ready to jump into the world of the working class and got himself a job working in a hotel. While this was happening he would occasionally talk to Daniel on the phone or online and every time they spoke Miguel could feel that desperation to hold Daniel's attention. When they would hang up or if Daniel would sign off due to Miguel's obvious and overly direct flirtation the darkness would grow. Daniel, who was at the time bouncing from relationship to relationship with various women allowed the flirting to happen but was in no way interested and eventually threatened to end their friendship if Miguel didn't accept that nothing would happen. Miguel was needless to say, enraged by this threat and also with jealousy and knew that these women had to disappear if he was to win Daniel in the end. So Miguel played the part of the fake supportive friend. He smiled and offered Daniel encouragement in his trysts even met those temporary girlfriends. And one by one Miguel destroyed each relationship. It may of taken him some time and there was much pain behind it all but Miguel knew which cord to cut and when to cut it and damned if it didn't bring Miguel closer to Daniel, but also provided the distraction needed as he sought out shelter from his pain of being alone.

Daniel had something really bright going for him in college but in time he fell off his path also. He got mixed in with the wrong people, the wrong crowd and he eventually dropped out of school, but not with the same purpose that Miguel had. Daniel simply didn't want to go. He was sick of living. Life dealt him a bad hand and the only path he could walk was that of suicide or a quick death. The sooner he was removed from this planet the better off everyone would be was Daniel's theory. He wanted to know why he was kept around and until that was revealed to him he would live his life dangerously. And that's exactly what he did. Daniel was living from home to home, doing a wide assortment of drugs, dealing some on the side and when he found no where else to sleep he would simply sleep outdoors on loading docks.

Miguel noticed Daniel's downward spiral and could only beg him to try and change. Daniel heard him but he felt that this was his fate. Miguel was so deep into his darkness that he felt that he could be Daniel's savior but only if he manipulated his way into Daniel's heart. Miguel's plight was a dishonest one. He once again encouraged Daniel to walk his path and to just be safe because he "cared." That's all Daniel wanted to hear.

Over the course of time, Daniel's money would run low and he needed his next fix or to pay off people who were looking for money. As luck would have it, Miguel had a job and was more than willing to help Daniel out, but only in exchange for what Miguel had been denied for so long. Finally Miguel had lured Daniel into his web. At long last Miguel would be able to show Daniel what he'd been missing out on and no matter what was to come from it Miguel knew that he would get what he wanted. Darkness, pain and manipulation was his ally and with that standing behind him no one or nothing was out of his reach, including what once was known as the purity of love that existed between Miguel and Daniel. As for Daniel, he was soon to discover that the Undeniable Heat between himself and Miguel was real and life would once again be infused into him.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Weights on my hearts

Written March 14, 2012 - After the potential "love of my life" disaster. I decided on my type being a polar opposite of what I saw in Daniel. And I thought I would find that working with those who enforced the law. And I got a job working for the Police Department. I met people there that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Some of the nicest, kind hearted people. Those that made me feel special and truly warmed my heart. A heart I didn't think existed for a long time.

That's where I met "Jonny." This kid was so quiet and shy but when he spoke or did anything I knew his heart was good and pure. But I just didn't know how to approach him to get to know him better. Luckily for me he was friends with my sister who also worked there. But this isn't story time for how I fell for Jonny.

I make the same mistake over and over and you would think I would learn by now. I keep falling for these straight or curious, emotionally unavailable men and then develop imaginary feelings from them and then I plot and scheme how to win their heart. Then when things go wrong which they always do I end up depressed on the floor crying my eyes out. What the hell is wrong with me?

All I can do now is laugh. Because I can say I'm going to change or that I'm gonna be a reinvent myself but I know that I'm not going to stand by that. This is why everyone else around me is moving forward and I'm sitting here in my parent's house a complete and total loser. And because I'm such a lovable gay no one really wants to just tell me how big of a loser I really am. Which is nice of them but sometimes a harsh reality makes for the greatest motivator.

So the next time one of my terrible "relationships" goes up in smoke I'll come here and read this and remember....I'm a loser...but only because I know it.

I'm just too grown

Have you ever had those moments where you are standing in front of your parent(s) or guardian, aunt, uncle, whoever raised you and they are saying something to you and you just have that moment where you realize that they see a small child when you are in fact an adult? And you have to correct their attitude and address it  so that they know what's up? Well I have had this ongoing problem for quite sometime. The worse thing you can actually deal with is bipolar parenting.

Bipolar parenting is where your parent spazzes out on you one moment and within the same breath will return to normal as if the spaz never happened. It's utterly irritating and confusing and leaves you holding the bag of frustration.

In my frustration of writing I forget that here I sit in my little corner room, 27 years old and living with my parents. That's not an adult. That's a scared little boy afraid to leave the nest and face the world. Well if I have to choose between failure and dealing with my parental bipolar bullshit. I'll take the leap. Time to fly.

March Madness (Re-intro)

I know I'm late here but I just noticed something. Looking at my blog when I decide to post about how "crap city" my life is, it's always in March. Why is that? *laughs* I mean for the last two years my life is pretty much on some weird downward spiral right around that time. March must have it out for me. I mean I do have my share of problems but my life can always be worse. All I can do is continue to write about my life and all the insane stories that come from it. I've been places and experienced things that are straight up sitcom material. I can't let those memories slip away. And hopefully you readers (assuming people are actually reading this) will sit down, pour a drink and laugh, cry and read in disbelief at my roller coaster of a life. Alot of my memories are out of order and are jumbled as I try to recall alot of them. But each story I write is real and not a fabrication. Of course I changed the names as I have violated codes of secrecy to several of my friends. But I want my stories to be carried on. And who isn't gonna get a kick out this. Besides only the people I write about will know who I'm talking about oh and maybe my BFF but I'm starting to ramble. Sorry. Happy March Madness. Hopefully it doesn't bend you over the way it's done me for the last 2 years. <3 Miguel.