An update: The "Current" Drama

Alright bloggers, I gotta explain where my life is now because my stories are all mixed up so hopefully I can organize all this.

First off, I'm still at home. (Smh) I'm looking for my own place and hope to be gone soon. My parents sure could use their own space and god knows I could to. Unfortunately based on my current salary and the economy, my apt search is slim pickings...

Anyway, I know you're dying to know about my love life right? 

"Daniel" - Prison

"Jamie" - Disassociated

"Johnny" - Still a good friend

I'm just not too comfortable with myself yet to put myself out there and date. My self image is bothering me but it's a work in progress. I'm learning about myself and losing the weight, fighting back the dark feelings though I do slip up from time to time.

"FRIENDS"

I have a new wide variety of friends and each and every one of these bitches got something wrong with them:

Jason (BFF): he's moving for the 3rd time to Texas to...hell I don't know. He's nervous and he's bipolar. He drives me nuts when he talks sometimes but there is no one else I'd rather have drive me nuts.

Martha: This is actually the first time I'm mentioning one of my two "sisters". Martha and I met on the job and she was kinda quiet and I left her to her business. Until one day my other sister (Marissa) sat me down to talk with some random girl named Martha and I've been infatuated with her ever since. She put up with me and all my craziness for years...YEARS. And I guess now it's time for me to pay my price for stressing her out for so long. Martha has 3 kids and one b.u.t.t (boyfriend utterly and totally terrible) Ill get into that scandal later.

Marisa: (Sister #2) what to say...well I also met Marisa on the job and my first impression of her was...overly opinionated party girl. Is there even such a thing? Haha. But that was Marisa and the best thing was this girl stood by her beliefs no matter what they were. But I knew she had a long way to go before he hit that maturity level. I knew she would be ok in time...until she got pregnant by her (b.u.t.t) and then he broke up with her, terrorized her, denied the baby and drove her into the arms of another woman...Drrrrraaaamaaaaa.

Ashley: This girl has so much goin for herself a strong support system (family) an excellent job but there are a few things that aren't going to well for her. One is she has a hard time being honest with herself. Two, She communicate like a shaolin monk and lastly she chose to date sister #2 while knowing she had feelings for another girl, emotionally cheated on S2 and lost ALL the friends in our circle, minus me...sort of. *major drama*

There are others but mainly one of them drags me into some sort of drama on a daily basis. I'm sure I'll be focusing most of my blog around them and how it shapes my life into the dramatic ball it's in now. And I seriously wonder why I can't have a relationship....

Story Time 3 - Ignition of Immense Passion

Summer 2006. Miguel had become completely obsessed with Daniel. He told him all about his life and has shared things with him that Miguel dared never to tell another. He saw the realest future ever in Daniel. This time though he was ready to take the next step. Miguel wanted to be "with" Daniel. He longed to share his body with him as his spirit already cradled itself in Daniel's hands.

Daniel lived with his grandmother at the time and Miguel longed to see him. Daniel longed to see him also. Miguel would take his father's car and drive to Daniel's house and just sit and talk to him. Listen to every word he said, feeling as though each word carried the weight of the world, setting Miguel's very heart on fire. But this day was different. Today, Miguel went inside the house and down into the basement also known as Daniel's bedroom. When downstairs Miguel's mind began to wonder. He wondered if he dared to choose now, this moment, this one perfect moment to change their relationship. He began to shake with anticipation, nerves rattled, stomach turned in knots as he looked at Daniel and Daniel simply smiled as he talked on about his day.

That is when Miguel said it. "I want you." Daniel only froze and looked with his usual face of awkwardness. Yet this time that face came and washed itself away. There was a look of acceptance. A look of passion. A look that Miguel had not seen in Daniel before and that was when Miguel knew that all of the scheming, all of the tears, all of the manipulation had paid off and as a result he had Daniel in his life as more than just a friend. Daniel simply replied "Let me smoke a cigarette and you can do whatever you want." Miguel was stunned and completely caught off guard but he was more than ready to give in to the passion of what was to come.

Miguel slowly undressed Daniel as he puffed his Newport. A puff, unbuttoning of the shirt. Another puff, the unbuckling of Daniel's belt. Exhale of smoke as Miguel ran his hand across Daniel's stomach, down to his crotch, concealed by his underwear. A puff, Miguel pulls down Daniel's boxer briefs and leans forward...

A moment of perfection. A union that created a love that Miguel will never forget about. Though as in most stories. Nothing is ever eternally perfect...

To be continued.

Story Time 2

The Story of Miguel and Daniel (Part 2)

Undeniable Heat 

After Miguel and Daniel said their goodbyes to one another, Miguel could only hope that they would one day be able to reconnect. But as usual, pride stood in his way and Daniel had no intention to return the feelings Miguel voiced to him.

The summer came and went and with it, life moved forward. Miguel headed to a technical college, Daniel to university. Interestingly, Miguel's life was just beginning to walk down a very lonely path. With his cousin doing his own thing and his best friend in Atlanta, Miguel was going through the motions of life. All he could do was keep a brave smile on his face so not to alarm his parents of just how miserable he was inside. Unaware that fate was determined to have it's way, Miguel ran into Daniel again in a most unlikely spot, A religious place. After 6 months of separation from one another it was as though no time had passed at all. Miguel still felt the passion and irresistible attraction that only Daniel could inspire within Miguel's body. Daniel was still himself. His feelings unchanged, unaware or perhaps uncaring about Miguel's feelings but still determined to be "just a friend."

Miguel grew desperate in his magnetic attraction to Daniel. And that loneliness inside was just enough to push Miguel into a darkness that he was quite unfamiliar with but soon learned was his greatest allies in his path to achieving his goals....Manipulation and Blackmail.

As dark a path that he was about to walk, Miguel knew that he had two things going for him. His charm and his timing for destruction. He wanted people to feel the way he felt. Misery truly loves company. Loves it even more when it's been gained through manipulation. And Daniel was first on the list for Miguel on his path of self destruction. Miguel dropped out of school and decided he had enough of the educational route. He was ready to jump into the world of the working class and got himself a job working in a hotel. While this was happening he would occasionally talk to Daniel on the phone or online and every time they spoke Miguel could feel that desperation to hold Daniel's attention. When they would hang up or if Daniel would sign off due to Miguel's obvious and overly direct flirtation the darkness would grow. Daniel, who was at the time bouncing from relationship to relationship with various women allowed the flirting to happen but was in no way interested and eventually threatened to end their friendship if Miguel didn't accept that nothing would happen. Miguel was needless to say, enraged by this threat and also with jealousy and knew that these women had to disappear if he was to win Daniel in the end. So Miguel played the part of the fake supportive friend. He smiled and offered Daniel encouragement in his trysts even met those temporary girlfriends. And one by one Miguel destroyed each relationship. It may of taken him some time and there was much pain behind it all but Miguel knew which cord to cut and when to cut it and damned if it didn't bring Miguel closer to Daniel, but also provided the distraction needed as he sought out shelter from his pain of being alone.

Daniel had something really bright going for him in college but in time he fell off his path also. He got mixed in with the wrong people, the wrong crowd and he eventually dropped out of school, but not with the same purpose that Miguel had. Daniel simply didn't want to go. He was sick of living. Life dealt him a bad hand and the only path he could walk was that of suicide or a quick death. The sooner he was removed from this planet the better off everyone would be was Daniel's theory. He wanted to know why he was kept around and until that was revealed to him he would live his life dangerously. And that's exactly what he did. Daniel was living from home to home, doing a wide assortment of drugs, dealing some on the side and when he found no where else to sleep he would simply sleep outdoors on loading docks.

Miguel noticed Daniel's downward spiral and could only beg him to try and change. Daniel heard him but he felt that this was his fate. Miguel was so deep into his darkness that he felt that he could be Daniel's savior but only if he manipulated his way into Daniel's heart. Miguel's plight was a dishonest one. He once again encouraged Daniel to walk his path and to just be safe because he "cared." That's all Daniel wanted to hear.

Over the course of time, Daniel's money would run low and he needed his next fix or to pay off people who were looking for money. As luck would have it, Miguel had a job and was more than willing to help Daniel out, but only in exchange for what Miguel had been denied for so long. Finally Miguel had lured Daniel into his web. At long last Miguel would be able to show Daniel what he'd been missing out on and no matter what was to come from it Miguel knew that he would get what he wanted. Darkness, pain and manipulation was his ally and with that standing behind him no one or nothing was out of his reach, including what once was known as the purity of love that existed between Miguel and Daniel. As for Daniel, he was soon to discover that the Undeniable Heat between himself and Miguel was real and life would once again be infused into him.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Weights on my hearts

Written March 14, 2012 - After the potential "love of my life" disaster. I decided on my type being a polar opposite of what I saw in Daniel. And I thought I would find that working with those who enforced the law. And I got a job working for the Police Department. I met people there that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Some of the nicest, kind hearted people. Those that made me feel special and truly warmed my heart. A heart I didn't think existed for a long time.

That's where I met "Jonny." This kid was so quiet and shy but when he spoke or did anything I knew his heart was good and pure. But I just didn't know how to approach him to get to know him better. Luckily for me he was friends with my sister who also worked there. But this isn't story time for how I fell for Jonny.

I make the same mistake over and over and you would think I would learn by now. I keep falling for these straight or curious, emotionally unavailable men and then develop imaginary feelings from them and then I plot and scheme how to win their heart. Then when things go wrong which they always do I end up depressed on the floor crying my eyes out. What the hell is wrong with me?

All I can do now is laugh. Because I can say I'm going to change or that I'm gonna be a reinvent myself but I know that I'm not going to stand by that. This is why everyone else around me is moving forward and I'm sitting here in my parent's house a complete and total loser. And because I'm such a lovable gay no one really wants to just tell me how big of a loser I really am. Which is nice of them but sometimes a harsh reality makes for the greatest motivator.

So the next time one of my terrible "relationships" goes up in smoke I'll come here and read this and remember....I'm a loser...but only because I know it.

I'm just too grown

Have you ever had those moments where you are standing in front of your parent(s) or guardian, aunt, uncle, whoever raised you and they are saying something to you and you just have that moment where you realize that they see a small child when you are in fact an adult? And you have to correct their attitude and address it  so that they know what's up? Well I have had this ongoing problem for quite sometime. The worse thing you can actually deal with is bipolar parenting.

Bipolar parenting is where your parent spazzes out on you one moment and within the same breath will return to normal as if the spaz never happened. It's utterly irritating and confusing and leaves you holding the bag of frustration.

In my frustration of writing I forget that here I sit in my little corner room, 27 years old and living with my parents. That's not an adult. That's a scared little boy afraid to leave the nest and face the world. Well if I have to choose between failure and dealing with my parental bipolar bullshit. I'll take the leap. Time to fly.

March Madness (Re-intro)

I know I'm late here but I just noticed something. Looking at my blog when I decide to post about how "crap city" my life is, it's always in March. Why is that? *laughs* I mean for the last two years my life is pretty much on some weird downward spiral right around that time. March must have it out for me. I mean I do have my share of problems but my life can always be worse. All I can do is continue to write about my life and all the insane stories that come from it. I've been places and experienced things that are straight up sitcom material. I can't let those memories slip away. And hopefully you readers (assuming people are actually reading this) will sit down, pour a drink and laugh, cry and read in disbelief at my roller coaster of a life. Alot of my memories are out of order and are jumbled as I try to recall alot of them. But each story I write is real and not a fabrication. Of course I changed the names as I have violated codes of secrecy to several of my friends. But I want my stories to be carried on. And who isn't gonna get a kick out this. Besides only the people I write about will know who I'm talking about oh and maybe my BFF but I'm starting to ramble. Sorry. Happy March Madness. Hopefully it doesn't bend you over the way it's done me for the last 2 years. <3 Miguel.

Story Time

THE STORY OF MIGUEL AND DANIEL

I should of started with this post a very long time ago. A story that still haunts me to this very day. The story of Miguel (me) and possibly the one true love of his (my) life.

When Miguel was 14 he was sitting in her second period Spanish class bored and miserable. he hated the fact that he was in a basic class and he hated the fact that his first day in high school was pretty much sucksville. The upperclassmen were tougher on him than expected and he had to deal with the fact that he was a year behind the class he should of been with. But he moved forward and put on a brave face as he knew that he was bold enough to stand up to anyone, but that's another story.

As Miguel sat waiting for the bell to ring, a 5' 11", light skinned boy walked into the classroom. He had a swimmers body and looked as though he had a ton on his mind. He was wearing a blue and white t-shirt, blue jeans, and chucks. He sat down across the room from Miguel and simply stared straight through Miguel.

Miguel saw more though. He saw the exact same pain in Daniel's eyes that Miguel had been suffering for so long. It was intriguing to Miguel. He wanted to know who he was. About Daniel's suffering. About how he carried so much pain in his life. The class then started and the introductions began. That is when he heard his name. Daniel. So ordinary, so common. But Miguel was still drawn to his eyes. Those painful, suffering, devastated eyes.

As time went on Miguel started to learn about the kind of guy Daniel was. Little by little. Daniel wasn't the most forthcoming when it came to talking about himself. But Miguel was determined to learn why he saw such similarities in Daniel. Miguel then learned that Daniel and his family went to the same church. Though Miguel never remembered seeing him before, Miguel took this as yet another opportunity to learn more about Daniel. And Daniel was happy to see a familiar face.

Miguel and Daniel started to hang out more and more. Eventually Miguel realized that Daniel was someone that he could really be himself around. The more they talked the more Miguel saw a true friend in Daniel. 

One day, Miguel was in a terrible mood. Everything in his world had been turned upside down. He felt betrayed and more lost than usual. To the point where he didn't know if he could ever return to himself and he saw Daniel after school just sitting on a bench. Miguel sat beside him and put on his fake smile and began talking to him as if nothing was wrong. Daniel listened patiently as Miguel talked on and made jokes as usual, then he stopped him and just looked at him. Miguel was curious as to why he stared at him so intently. And Daniel simply said that he knows that there's something wrong and that he didn't need to hold back. Then he simply hugged Miguel. In that moment, that brief moment, Miguel felt something he had never felt. Someone ignited his soul. He felt the fire.

From then on, when Miguel would talk to Daniel he felt the weight of Daniel's words. He knew that there was something deeper to Daniel than he could of ever thought. But Miguel could not speak on his feelings. He was scared Daniel would never talk to him again and Miguel would never risk losing Daniel with his foolish feelings. Besides, Miguel didn't believe in love. To add on to Miguel's silence, Daniel was dating one of Miguel's female friends. So Miguel held on to his feelings for years. For those years Miguel and Daniel's friendship grew stronger and stronger. And as that time moved forward Miguel's feelings got stronger for Daniel and the pain of not being with him caused Miguel anguish day to day.

Spring 2004, Miguel, now 16 had been though more drama with Daniel than anything and they suffered together through most of it. And Miguel was ready to take a stand. He approached Daniel and he told him that he was in love with him. Miguel will never forget Daniel's reaction. Daniel's eyes widened in surprise, then he turned and walked away. Miguel felt his heart rip in two as he walked out of the school building and on to the bus. He cried the whole way home as he looked out the window. He tried to contact Daniel but Daniel wouldn't talk to him. What Miguel feared the most had come true. He took a risk on pure honesty and pure honesty did what it did best. Screw him over.

Then after days but what felt more like months to Miguel, Daniel approached him and told him that he still wanted to be his friend but that was it. Miguel's heart was still hurt but he was still able to have Daniel as his friend which was better than the hell he lived in for the past days.

High school ended. Miguel went on with his life and so did Daniel. Miguel's feelings never went away. He still wanted to be with Daniel and little did he know that his dream could become reality...



To be continued.

Ugly Duckling

Today was one of those moments where my past and present caught up to one another and created a hurricane of emotional wreckage.

I'm drinking with my friend, lets call him "Jeffrey". I used to have the biggest crush on him ever. I had convinced myself that I was completely and totally in love with him. From 2006 to 2011 I dedicated myself to making Jeffrey see me. Understand me. Acknowledge me. To have him see that I was there for him, whether it be good or bad. And he made me feel special. Think what you want, whether I be overly emotional or just desperate for attention, this man made me feel...hopeful.

Well over time I got over that and I was able to acknowledge that he wasn't the one and we remained close friends. But tonight he started telling me more about his life. And he had sex with a member of my family, a good friend (who by the way is totally not attractive. She looks like one of those characters off the cartoon Ducktales. Like seriously) and then to put the nail in the coffin he tells me that once he hooked up with a guy when he was younger. Now you may think that this is a case of jealousy but it's not. What I felt was stupidity.

I thought to myself: Now I spent damn near 6 years trying to get Jeffrey to love me and I couldn't because he was straight... But he was with a guy, a family member and the close friend. So then I had to ask myself....

Am I the ugly one here? It's true. I am the ugly one here. Because if I wasn't, I would of been with Jeffery and things would of worked out the way I wanted them too. It wasn't him. It was me. That's my constant problem. I'm ugly. Now I went the rest of the night in shock and in a little anger because all of this hit my brain at once so it was a lot to take in and I wasn't prepared for it. But after I was able to calm myself I started to really look at the facts. I am a fat, glasses wearing, uggo. But damn it I'm me. If other people can't get with that then fuck em.

But I'm allowed to have days when I feel sad and want to cry about being on the bottom of the beauty totem pole. I think about all the crushes I've ever had and why they turned out so badly and then I trace them all back to try and figure out why things didn't work out and they all trace back to two things. Either they were "straight" or they just simply weren't attracted to me. And 80% of the time, it was my looks that were the deciding factor. Shameful.

Now normally when people hear things like this, it makes them want to hit the gym or do something to motivate them to do better right? For me...it makes me want to vanish. I already have a feeling of worthlessness but I'm everyone's "friend." But I'm tired of being everyone's "friend" I want to be someone's lover, someone's boyfriend, someone's soul mate. Maybe this is just ANOTHER goal in my life that I feel for but will not be able to reach.

Or maybe that day is coming when I'll finally be able to reach out and have someone pull me out of the sea of my insecurities.

Either way I know one thing...Jeffrey isn't my lifeguard, and he certainly is a good friend because his honesty was both a reality check and a eye opener. That's something I will always thank him for. This feeling won't last long. Onward and upward. I'm still me.