Ugly Duckling

Today was one of those moments where my past and present caught up to one another and created a hurricane of emotional wreckage.

I'm drinking with my friend, lets call him "Jeffrey". I used to have the biggest crush on him ever. I had convinced myself that I was completely and totally in love with him. From 2006 to 2011 I dedicated myself to making Jeffrey see me. Understand me. Acknowledge me. To have him see that I was there for him, whether it be good or bad. And he made me feel special. Think what you want, whether I be overly emotional or just desperate for attention, this man made me feel...hopeful.

Well over time I got over that and I was able to acknowledge that he wasn't the one and we remained close friends. But tonight he started telling me more about his life. And he had sex with a member of my family, a good friend (who by the way is totally not attractive. She looks like one of those characters off the cartoon Ducktales. Like seriously) and then to put the nail in the coffin he tells me that once he hooked up with a guy when he was younger. Now you may think that this is a case of jealousy but it's not. What I felt was stupidity.

I thought to myself: Now I spent damn near 6 years trying to get Jeffrey to love me and I couldn't because he was straight... But he was with a guy, a family member and the close friend. So then I had to ask myself....

Am I the ugly one here? It's true. I am the ugly one here. Because if I wasn't, I would of been with Jeffery and things would of worked out the way I wanted them too. It wasn't him. It was me. That's my constant problem. I'm ugly. Now I went the rest of the night in shock and in a little anger because all of this hit my brain at once so it was a lot to take in and I wasn't prepared for it. But after I was able to calm myself I started to really look at the facts. I am a fat, glasses wearing, uggo. But damn it I'm me. If other people can't get with that then fuck em.

But I'm allowed to have days when I feel sad and want to cry about being on the bottom of the beauty totem pole. I think about all the crushes I've ever had and why they turned out so badly and then I trace them all back to try and figure out why things didn't work out and they all trace back to two things. Either they were "straight" or they just simply weren't attracted to me. And 80% of the time, it was my looks that were the deciding factor. Shameful.

Now normally when people hear things like this, it makes them want to hit the gym or do something to motivate them to do better right? For me...it makes me want to vanish. I already have a feeling of worthlessness but I'm everyone's "friend." But I'm tired of being everyone's "friend" I want to be someone's lover, someone's boyfriend, someone's soul mate. Maybe this is just ANOTHER goal in my life that I feel for but will not be able to reach.

Or maybe that day is coming when I'll finally be able to reach out and have someone pull me out of the sea of my insecurities.

Either way I know one thing...Jeffrey isn't my lifeguard, and he certainly is a good friend because his honesty was both a reality check and a eye opener. That's something I will always thank him for. This feeling won't last long. Onward and upward. I'm still me.