The almost one year update

Hey there blogger world. It's been almost one year to the date that I started my blog but as usual my A.D.D kicked in and I actually forgot for one whole year to update this. My apologies considering that I really don't have any followers or anything as of yet but I figure that my life is really not as interesting as it should be anyway...I'm b*tching way too much.

I don't even know where to begin. From my 25's to my 26 a light has come on but it's not shining the way it should be. I don't know how to describe it. I'm in love. Or at least I think I'm in love. But it's not working out for me. I'm in love with someone who just doesn't seem to be interested in me and it's not the first time something like this has happened. His name is Jamie. I don't know what it is about him but he's one of those people you can just talk to and be so comfortable with that it's scary. At the moment I'm talking to him about this girl (yes he's straight..) that he's in love with and that he believes is "the one" but based on what I've heard it seems false because she's with someone else...anyway long story short I've been there and lived that story. But am I being biased or is this me trying to help a friend that I love?

My thoughts are all over the place right now. I can't even really discuss that even further without tearing up. I guess I'm at that point in my life where I'm just really lonely and tired of living such a mixed up life. I need clarity and the future doesn't seem to be any clearer for me. I try to put on this strong persona when I'm around people but the cracks are getting deeper and the wounds are more than I can bear. I'm sure in time I'll recover.

You know what I'm dancing around the real issue. I'm 26 and been in 4 real relationships. Only one was sexual and 3 were not real. They were covers. Hiding who I really was/am. I'm lonely and it hurts. It sucks so badly and I'm reaching, screaming, yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to hear me and acknowledge the love that is deep inside of me. I cover that over with coldness and ruthlessness. But every so often it comes up and there's nothing more that I can do but...cry. I listen to sad music and cry my heart out hoping my sobs don't go unheard. But usually they do. I don't know how to fix my lonely heart just yet. But I can't keep chasing anymore. I have to many scars from the chase. And the times I did they were just to casual. I'm not looking for just a sexual fling. I want something that ignites my soul. This is the realest statement I've ever made.

Now I'm off to share my tears with my pillow once again and listen to music that will help to restore my spirit while I wait for the healing to begin and hope my true love unites with me.